Scientific research, in a ground-breaking survey of internet writing in the last 25 years, has uncovered the least inspired website copy ever created.
“Cool tools you can use,” the study’s authors wrote in their summary, “is the lamest and least informative text ever produced online. Tools, by their very definition, are to be used. “Cool” tools implies that most tools their company would normally produce are bogus. Don’t even get us started about the “you” part of that, because who else would they be addressing?”
In addition, there is no evidence presented to support the idea that these tools are or indeed have ever been “cool”, to use their own colloquial term. Were they indeed popular or vogue at that time? Or perhaps they were not warm to the touch, the meaning is never precise enough to venture a confident guess never mind a definitive conclusion.
Also, by implication are the company’s competitors tools suffering from such issues in a widely-known manner? Is their tagline, “‘Bogus Bullshit One Could Never Intuitively Need or Desire’?”
When reached by email, the author of the tagline was flattered, “All you can hope for is to make an impression,” gleefully replied copywriter Sue-Ellen Donaldson. “To think that 20 years later people are inspired by my copy brings me great joy.”
