Midwestern man happy with selection of baked treats, in spite of “cake block”

Gary Roberts knows the best way to be a hero at the office on a Friday, and it starts at the bakery. “I mean, you come back with some croissants, a scone or two, some kough amann or however the heck you pronounce that shit, and everyone loves you,” exclaimed Roberts. “Next time there’s a layoff, they’re not getting rid of the muffin man, you know?”

But in his recent visit to Muff-Inn, the Southwestern Illinois institution, something was horribly wrong. “The line for the cash was backed up considerably, blocking visibility to what was available.” Panic set in. “I mean, you can show up with maybe a couple of plain croissants, but after that you need to balance savory with sweet, rich with simple, fruity with chocolatey, and you always need to have one sweet that has no chocolate. Occasionally, you grab a gluten-free so you seem like less of an asshole, but nobody in our office is intolerant – at least when it comes to gluten.”

In the end, Roberts feels he chose well. “Everyone seemed happy. My manager grabbed the chocolate croissant. That jackass is such a predictable and unimaginative creature of habit, and not just someone we all make fun of behind his back for his lack of personality, managerial skills, and poor personal hygiene. What a piece of shit. Wait, you’re not going to print this, are you?”