It’s almost like he’s got conflicted feelings about their relationship

Midwestern man Davey Spikavey admitted to having mixed emotions about his family’s upcoming visit, the first since he moved to another town.

“It will be cool to show them I have my shit together,” Spikavey acknowledged, “then again that’s just a front for the lies and deceit under which I spend my entire waking life.”

Asked about why he moved in the first place, Spikavey said, “I wanted to try driving a U-Haul.”

This reporter attempted to get interesting answers to many questions, including “How many miles do you live from your family”, “What was your average speed in the U-Haul”, and “How old are your parents”, and the answer to each was just “fifty”.

Clearly, this non-story was a mistake to look into and this reporter regrets getting their journalism degree in an era where the few jobs left focus on the benign and banal while the underpinnings of our democracy and freedoms are threatened like never before. This reporter stopped the interview and left at this point, perhaps to frequent their usual watering hole. There will be no follow-ups.