Midwestern man Petey Sampson may have lost his entire family to measles, small pox, the black plague and to complex syphilis, among other diseases they could have easily been protected from, but nothing like that will kill him.

“They just didn’t gots the right positive thinkings in their brains,” observed Sampson, who seemed to be walking with a severe limp. When asked about the limp, Sampson replied, “The doctors will tell you it’s the polio, but that’s only if you believe that the polios and doctors is real!”

Sampson is a leading proponent of a vaccine-free lifestyle and is leading a breakthrough in dealing with diseases and viruses through the power of re-branding. “People might worry about them measles, but would they worry if they learned it called yousles instead?”

“Nobody worries about the smallpox, because OooOOOOooo you’re small, pox! See what I did that there?”