Is your facade of competence as believable as the faux concern you fake for your direct reports?

You, sweet beautiful you. You’ve kissed the CEO’s ass all year with unmatched energy, rigor and verve. But what about your team? Are they prepared to eat your shit and call it the finest Swiss chocolate?

Follow these five tips to the executive bathroom key and all-expenses trip to Cabo San Cabo:

Laugh at the monkeys. Your team doesn’t like you. Fuck ’em. Fuck. Them. Tell them the same story over and over like it’s the first time you’ve told them the story. Know one thing – and only one thing – about each person and always reference to it when talking to that person that you can’t be bothered to pretend to care about them. If you know Little Johnny went to summer camp in Santa Fe when he was 12, repeat that every fucking time you see him. Every. Fucking. Time. It keeps him in his place. Nothing says “You’re expendable” like your boss demonstrating that he doesn’t need to make an effort. When you tire of that, just talk about Grand Funk Railroad! The fucking Funk, man! The Funk!

Play the happy clown. Show up early, stay late. Sure, you won’t be doing anything but attending meetings and pretending to take on action items that you then delegate to someone who might have a clue, but nothing earns respect better than being seen at the office! Besides, if nobody else is around you can always whip it out. Whip. It. Out!

Save some of your tongue for your equals. You can only French your manager’s anus so many times before he is licked clean. Why not lick the rectum of the other people who report to him as well? Lord knows that’s better and easier than actually figuring out and addressing your own team’s needs and issues.

Manage sporadically. Nobody likes it when their boss knows everything, so how could they not love you already? Be oblivious to your team’s day-to-day duties and accomplishments. By the time anything has been around long enough to fail, you’ll have moved on. It’s like growing a mustache. Why would you shave it for 25 years when you can keep it groomed and have it say, “I’m partying like it’s still 1978! What do you mean it isn’t?”

Spread the bullshit like Nutella. Everyone gets a taste. After all, if you say bullshit to the same person all the time, they may be able to prove your incompetence. It should be like a minefield. The best minefields are unpredictable. And whatever you do, don’t keep a map of the steaming piles you’ve left behind.