Your happiness < your dog’s happiness; how to keep it that way.

My selfless recap of 2024 discoveries into what will make your dog – the best part of your life without any close competition – happy. Or at least slightly less disappointed in you, at least for a while.

The first research discovered that four out of every five egg sandwiches purchased should be given directly to the dog. Additional research is pending regarding whether it should optimally include bacon, sausage, or some kind of bacon-sausage hybrid (do those exist? Get on that!).

Walking the dog in the winter? Well, that’s nice. But have you considered what kind of support they need when arriving back home? Perhaps a robe with a nice warm cup of treat milk (you do know about treat milk, don’t you, horrible human?). Perhaps a comfortable pillow and blanket by the fire with some light singing of your most appreciative tribute to the dog? “The dog is the best in the woooooorld.” Keep eyeing the dog’s reaction carefully for signs of annoyance or the need to change songs or tempo.

Ass massages. Did you know that 83% of a dog’s stress ends up in their buttocks? If not, get educated, imbecile. More importantly, get those fingers working that ass. Start in circles, then in elongated strokes, ending hours later with light anal tickles. Emphasis on the “light”.

During the day, have you heard of the four treat meals? They happen between the four other meals and should include a wide variety of charcuterie, cheeses, cookies, and the occasional surprise like popcorn, lightly salted and buttered. Mix it up!

I’m told there is only space for five of my hundreds of important guidelines to maintaining proper dog happiness. So I’ll end it with indentured servitude to try and cover as many of them as possible. Just always be at the beck and call of the dog. At night when dog wants to change beds? Wake up, lift up the dog gently while repeating a soothing mantra, place dog’s head on comfiest pillow and lift blanket carefully over their body until you hear their satisfied groan.

Thanks for reading, but most importantly thanks for your continued compliance in adhering to all the above guidelines. And when in doubt at any point in life, ask yourself, “Will this make the dog happy?” It’s the least you can and must do.