Use Your Noggin saw “unexpected dip in sales in January”,

Citing a decrease in foot traffic and unexpected competition from other semen-esque drinks, Use Your Noggin owner Quince Lewis said his drink stand closed on January 12th.

“I don’t understand it,” Lewis said as he choked down a glass of the thick, rich, gooey liquid, “people were buying this shit up all throughout December when we opened. Based on the trend, I thought we’d see double the sales in January the way things were going.”

New sales clogged up much like a throat coated in something of a sticky and dubious texture before New Year’s Day.

Choking on his words – or perhaps the phlegmy remnants of the creamy sweet spunk in his throat –  Lewis gargled, “Lesson learned I guess. I’m going to turn this space into an Irish souvenir stand, which should be open by the end of March.”