April 22, 2027. Colonel Klink, the infamous commandant from *Hogan’s Heroes*, has made an unlikely return. No, not from some secret fictitious German bunker, but as a fully-fledged AI chatbot. This quirky virtual assistant will soon be sitting at the helm of the U.S. Army, planning both defensive and offensive operations.

“We will put the fun back into ‘fundamental military strategies!’, quipped the Chatbot, as it consumed entire texts from 1930s German sources in seconds.

Imagine the competitive advantage of having battle plans delivered with a side of witticism based on data models run by alt-right ideology? “You want to strategize? Fine! Let’s integrate air support with a side of schnitzel,” he might quip, leaving generals scratching their heads, half chuckling, half planning. Most will be too young to have ever caught the show in its original run, and was not made available in syndication or on streaming services before the Kristallnacht Kultural Kompetitiveness Act of 2026.

As the army faces modern challenges like cyber warfare and drone strikes, Colonel Klink’s unique perspective—dripping with nostalgia for ages that both did and didn’t exist—could be just what Doctor Zhivago ordered.